Friday, January 06, 2012

Today I was a bad Mommy...

That's right.  I lost it.  I hollered.  I cried.  I made my kids cry.  Now, lets be honest.  I don't strive to be perfect, though I always strive to be better than I am.  But today was a BAD DAY.  I know I'm not really a bad Mommy.  I've seen plenty of case files, heard plenty of stories.  Hell, I know the stories of my boys' biological mothers, and I don't approach that level on the worst day.  However, I'd have been embarrassed if anyone saw the way I melted down today.  I'm embarrassed my kids saw it.  If I'm embarrassed, why am I blogging about it?  Well, I read another blog today that made me feel better, and that's my main point, but before I get there, I will explain my meltdown, because I'm sure I've made it sound worse than it is.  Or maybe not.  You can judge.

So, my biggest housekeeping fallback is laundry.  We always have clean clothes, don't get me wrong.  They just may not have come from a closet or drawer.  I'm pretty bad at getting it put away.  In my defense, there are a lot of 'helping hands" around, and due to Reece's sensory issues, he loves to roll in piles of anything, especially laundry.  He likes to create those piles too.  I should have known better.  But, one of my goals was to get all our laundry folded and put away.  I just don't have a lot of time.  So, while the kids have been playing in the playroom, which is adjacent to the laundry room, I've been folding.  And folding.  And folding.  For at least an hour each day this week.  While breaking up fights, distributing toys, enforcing the "get one out, put one away" rule, and playing with the three boys.  So there was folded laundry all over the playroom couch.  This morning, I sent Reece and Sully down the stairs while I fed baby A.  I should have fed him down there, but he gets really distracted by the big boys, and I could hear them, and see them if they were in the right part of the playroom.  They were fine, but my laundry was not.  I got halfway down the stairs and froze.  My several hours of work was all over the floor.  Like I said, I lost it.  Yelled at the boys, sent them to time out, and cried.  I know it seems like overreacting, and it was, but I was feeling really accomplished and was going to get it all put away this evening when C was home to watch the boys but before they went to bed.  It just seemed like a slap in the face.  I know it wasn't.  Reece has no idea what he did, really.  He knows he knocked the clothes on the floor, and that it was a bad thing to do, and it made Mommy "sad and mad" but he didn't do it to make me feel that way.  I don't think I permanently wounded them, they seem to be over it, but I carry the guilt and will for awhile.

Here are the before and after shots...after I cleaned it up again...




So, there it is, my bad Mommy story.  It's funny, now that I look back on it, because the playroom has certainly looked worse.  Judge if you will.  So, there I was, feeling bad about myself this afternoon.  I checked facebook while the boys were napping, and came upon this link, that Amy posted from Momastery.com:

 I strongly urge you to read it, it's fabulous.  I guess it just felt good to know I'm not the only one out there.  I feel guilty when I'm stressed or need a break when C gets home, because being a Mommy is all I've ever wanted.  I know she works super hard at a job that's not always fufilling, so that we can have our kids, and I can stay home.  I'm so blessed by that.  But, it's really overwhelming at times. People think we're crazy for having 3 kids this close and this young, but we have a slightly different view.  As foster/adoptive parents, it's really hard to say no when that call comes.  You just don't know when it will come again.  You also don't want to be another "no" for that child, even when you don't have to say it to them.  I won't be having biological children.  It was "my choice" to bring these kids into the house at the times we did.  I know we open ourselves to heartache and worry.  It's hard on our friends and especially our family too.   But, I wouldn't trade it for anything.  My boys are absolute joys, and I have a lot of "kairos" moments with them (you have to read the post) every day.  The strides that Reece has made are A-MAZ-ING.  If you'd have known him at age one...Well, lets just say he's made it really far.  But, the stress of raising a special needs child can wear on you.  It's hard to meet everyone's needs at the same time, as well as manage a house.  I don't ever want to complain about it, unless I'm in a really safe space, because I feel like people are thinking "well, you didn't HAVE to do this."  We didn't, it's true.  But I'm in it, I love it...most of the time, and I'll do it again if the opportunity presents itself.  It's just good to know that there are others out there who understand.

1 comment:

Amy Randolph said...

Dude, I've been there with the laundry! And, I'm loving that post! It seems to be what so many moms need to hear!